I love you mommy

Mommy dearest. If you’re old enough those two words strike fear in, you. If you’re much younger you might miss that reference. (Hint: It’s from an old movie) I am always fascinated by people that had a beloved relationship with their mother. To me, it seems like a fantasy that individuals can have a mother with only good memories. The truth – I’m just a bit green with envy.

But at this luxurious age of wisdom, I begin to spawn a new idea that feels more accurate and more empowering. I will have to back into it to tell you what I mean. When I look at my three sons, I have a myriad of memories and feelings – not all good, but mostly good. I often say that my three sons each reflect the level of my emotional state and level of consciousness that I expressed when they were born. This means that my first born had to deal with a wounded mother trying to mother. The lessons learned with my first born meant that my second son benefited because I was on a serious journey of introspection, so I altered my ways beginning with a boatload of self-forgiveness. Yes, I had to forgive myself for my mistakes with my first born so I was not doomed to repeat my errors. My third son I had at the age of 40, a time still riddled with some leftover childhood stories and trauma, but I was no longer at the mercy of them. Number three got a more healed mom.

Here's what I learned about my maternal instincts. Being a teacher and a mom were the two things that I wanted to do more than anything else in my life. It is from my desire to serve my boys, by being a good mom that grew me. They made me better. Giving birth to them reminded me of who I am – a place where love resides. My love for my boys defines me in ways I can hardly explain.

But here’s where it gets interesting. I can now honestly, and without hesitation, share with you that I believe that my mother with all her errors and years of alcoholism loved me deeply, loved all seven of her children the same way. She does not need me to measure her or condemn her for ignorance. I guarantee she did that already on her own. I get to look through my eyes, the eyes of love, and be that for her. My mother struggled for many years. She and my father were a toxic formula for a lot of pain and suffering. (They are both gone now.)

If I am going to be my word and serve the intention I have set forth in my life, that must include my mother. I can now say without reservation: I love you mommy. I appreciate who you were. I have compassion and empathy for your pain and the pain that you caused. And guess what, this makes me free and more available to my family. I come to them fuller, and more loving.

I know now, that whatever sacred spiritual contract I have with my sons, they made me, me. They caused me to reach and grow and love. Happy Mother’s Day to you if you are a mother. If you are not, happy Mother’s Day to where your mother lives inside of you. May you be free to forgive and have empathy so you can cultivate compassion and pure love for where your mother lives within your being. She will always be part of you, she lives in the cells of your body. Enjoy! Here’s to breaking the chain of pain!